Becoming a single parent several years ago made me rethink the shape of my career. I’m writing to share an idea with other parents on how we can leverage corporate D&I efforts to drive more shared understanding with our peers and managerial chains. And in turn, help our companies and peers understand how this can lead to more engaged organizations.
An End and a Beginning
After my marriage ended several years ago, I found myself as a 50/50 parent in an adopted city without other family. Suddenly I was solely responsible for a young daughter (just 3 when this journey started) on my parental days. When she was young, I learned to sync our schedules- we brushed our teeth together morning and nigh, got dressed together, learned to play the piano together. Though she’s older now, on my days I must leave work at a set time for pickup. I regularly travel with her out-of-state for medical treatments related to a rare disease.
When schools shut down for COVID, all of the efficiencies I built into my schedule to juggle work and parenting fell apart. Just-in-time systems are brittle when faced with supply shocks. I stopped managing a team and pivoted my role. No one said anything, but my trajectory had changed. I was now on the proverbial “mommy track,” but not quite fitting that demographic either. Society has few descriptions for men in my situation.
What do you have to take with you when the outward recognition is gone?
Having previously had a fast-paced career in finance and international business, slowing down filled me with anxiety and a sense of failure. I had attached a significant part of my identity and self-worth to my work. I was either successful or worthless, without a space between. My childhood culture in an immigrant family instilled in me a false sense of pride attached to notions of work prestige and total comp. Society at large tells us that if we look successful, we’ll feel successful inside.
Over time I had to learn, painfully, to make peace with my new life, and to live an integrated life driven by inward recognition. On the notion of success, I now know that my prior definition of success was built on a shallow premise. We can’t take our conventional accomplishments with us when our time is up. Watching the death toll of the pandemic helped reinforce that all we can take are our relationships with those around us.
A call to grace, then action
In my journey I’ve met a network of single working parents. I marvel at their perseverance, wisdom, and patience. I’m in awe of how they juggle work, children, and every else all at once. Their resolve is immeasurable.
And plenty of those parents have felt that they have to hide this part of themselves, fearing that it would interfere with their career opportunities.
So here is my call to grace for us.
1. We are never stronger than when we acknowledge our limitations. Let’s be real about who we are.
2. If our confidence is built on always being available at work, never needing accommodation or flexibility, always appearing like you got it together, then that confidence can disappear in an instant.
Let’s understand that true confidence is knowing your limitations, delivering within those, and knowing the unique value that you bring become of your circumstances
3. Let’s slow down. We miss too much when we are going so fast.
How Corporate Diversity & Inclusion (“D&I”)* Efforts fit with single parents
*Note this is often called “DEI” for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion
Far from being another corporate checklist item, I believe the power of D&I is that it allows us to share our differences, our histories, and our vulnerabilities in a way that promotes shared understanding. With that shared understanding of our circumstances, we can better communicate with our peers so that we can build higher functioning teams.
The workplaces I’ve been in traditionally have shied away from this. They simply do not want to acknowledge your life outside of work. “Why does it matter? It is unprofessional.”
But our lives outside of work are precisely who we are and why we come to work. Rather than ignore those realities, I believe it is far more productive (and efficient, in the long term) to open a space for employees to bring their whole selves to work.
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Special thanks to the wonderful Kelsey Rudd for editing my story
